When I Forget that I Am My First Love

There’s a man who I love dearly with everything I have. I have for the past 11 years. No matter what has gone on between us, the love remains.

But when I love him dearly with everything I have and after awhile forget that I am my first love, I forget also that I am the only one responsible for my happiness.

 

I forget that I am ok, good, with or without him in my life and begin to wonder if I truly matter to him.

I know his words always say that I do in many different ways but when I perceive disparity between the words and the behavior, it doesn’t always feel that way.

When I forget that I am my first Love, I second guess my deeper awareness. The initial knowings that sometimes I would rather not know.

So the more important question here is this: “Do I matter to myself?”

 

And the key question? How do I love myself in the midst of all of this second guessing?

For a brief moment, I am afraid to bless him. I am afraid to sit in the place of appreciation for him. If I can’t stay angry, how can I take care of business, how can I take care of me?

Something a little bit twisted here.

I believe that I have to stay angry  to hold my ground, but the thing is when I stay angry at him I’m staying angry at myself and while anger is amazing for the purpose of moving through frozen in place, it is an ultimately debilitating place to camp out in.

I don’t like it. And yet, it is essential that I allow it to move through me so that I can come to the place of inspired action.  This is where bed-whacking comes in. It allows the anger to move through freeing me to  become aware of the next action that wants to be taken.

However, before I do anything else,  I  bring the fearful angry one into my heart.

 

I bring that little one who’s afraid of being abandoned, hurt, rejected, pushed aside for being herself into my heart. I give her air time. As much as she needs. I bless her. I bless the fear and ultimately, I sit in appreciation for her, with her, honoring all that she has carried.

And as I feel she is ready, I do the thing I’ve been hesitant to do.

I sit in appreciation and broad love for this one because it feels good. Allowing the place of appreciation to be easy, unforced. If it stops feeling good I stop and go back to an easier place. And eventually, my heart softens and the love flows.

The broad Love never disconnects. It loves. Without condition. I am a part of that broad Love, an expression of it. So is this one.

 

Could I simply sit in that and get out of my own way, knowing that all is well in my experience, with or without this one loving me in the way I would prefer? Could I let go of needing it to be any particular way and let the love flow however it flows?

Could I rest in knowing that the greater connection between us never ends?

And most importantly, could I simply allow the forgetting to be what it is – part of the experience of human, without the self flagellation for not being perfect?  Could I appreciate the awareness that it has brought?

Could I invite the Divine into the human experience and let Love flow how it will? It is so much easier that way!

 

{ 5 comments… add one }
  • Carol Tisza September 25, 2016, 8:00 am

    This is beautiful, Deborah.

    • Deborah Penner September 25, 2016, 2:05 pm

      Carol, thank you … deeply felt words ~~~~

      • Deborah Penner January 14, 2017, 4:34 pm

        Missing you, Carol Tisza ~~~ rest in sweet peace. Danced with you this morning beautiful One <3

  • Emmeline Craig September 24, 2016, 12:35 pm

    Wonderful. I love the pondering tone, the candid admissions, the openness of it. Yes. All of that… We are multifacetted and evermore evolving…

    • Deborah Penner September 24, 2016, 12:57 pm

      Thank you, Emmeline. I love sharing this evolutionary journey with you! Much love to you!!

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