Unmoored and Held in a Circle of One

I woke up last week with the feeling of being unmoored,  of having no particular tribe to which I belong.  There were some brief moments of poor me.  Then the question, is that true? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I belong  nowhere and I belong everywhere all at once.  Unmoored.

I had the recognition and awareness last Sunday morning that the last five years have in part been about trying to fit into into the different ways of each one of my sibling family’s inner circles. That requires jumping through the hoops that I think they each have for me. Note the words that I think they each have.  Maybe they have them. More likely they don’t. More likely those hoops are  my perception  of what I must do, how I must be, to be accepted by them.

What I do know is that I’m not in their deep inner circle.  I feel sad sometimes that I am NOT in anybody’s deep inner circle. It is time for me to acknowledge that in a very clear way for myself.  The longing and the not right now. I am not in another human’s deep inner circle of support.  And that is quite ok.  Even when I feel sad about it and wish it to be different, it is  ok.

Once I have done that,  I offer it to the Divine. I offer my inner circle up to God to do with what it will, and then begin to cultivate the sense of deep inner circle within me always everywhere I go independent of who is or is not in my life.  The union with Divine Beloved IS my inner circle. I am Held in a circle of One.

Perhaps for now, it is more about becoming that for myself , and being absolutely okay with the appearance of alone.

Here’s what I’m coming to understand. Everybody else’s perception of me, their experience of me is out of my control. So it would make sense and it would be an act of kindness towards myself to let go of trying to control that thing that I have no control over and simply focus on feeling really really good, as good as I possibly can in any given moment.

Sometimes, that looks really funky from the outside.  Because it is not about being fake happy, putting on a happy face until I feel happy happy happy so  I can get I want, or getting everything lined up so I can have the perfect life and perfect circumstances and live the perfect dream, what ever that is.

It IS about being fully deeply aligned with the Divine … with God … with the One in whom I live, I move, I have my Being, with True Love.   It IS about being fully aware of what I am thinking feeling speaking, what stories I am telling myself in each moment.

Releasing the stories around the lower frequencies embedded in my bodies as I become aware of both the frequencies and the stories. Another word for those stories is beliefs.   What I have noticed is that without the story, those frequencies have room to move and move up to the higher level.  Instead of being all compacted in the body, there is breathing room. There is movement .

In coming to understand that, I become free to simply shed all attempts at trying to please any other person or any other group of people. I begin to finally let myself out of the cage I have put myself into.  It is freedom and it feels a little bit scary!  Unmoored!

It is exactly the point of choice where I can either compact back into the fear or breathe into the feeling of scary and explore the expansiveness of unmoored  that includes, perhaps, creating  space to allow human companionship in the deep places of my soul.

Perhaps in experiencing the feeling of belonging nowhere, I completely take in the understanding that I belong everywhere and carry that sense with me wherever I am, no matter who is all in the deep place with me.

Freedom!

Tell me here about your inner circle.  What does it look like?  How does it feel?  Who does it include?

 

{ 3 comments… add one }
  • Shya May 22, 2017, 4:48 am

    This is such a nice post. Sometimes when we feel unmoored we misconstrue it as a social maladjustment, and then we go mental and insecure about it. I can relate to this when I let go and choose to be spiritual, kind and loving.

    • Deborah Penner May 22, 2017, 1:51 pm

      Shya, thank you! It was nice for me to revisit something from a couple years ago that is still relevant for me and very likely will always be in some form or another. I love finding the common threads among the way of It woven through the many and varied cultures. Kindness and love are a universal language.

  • lori June 21, 2015, 6:57 pm

    Well said, Deborah. I feel the same way. Thanks for sharing!
    Lori 🙂

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