Welcome to my Sweet Shattering

Multi-colored stars ... shattered

I learned something this week. Simple in its essence, and profound in its effect.

Do do the opposite of what you would normally do when you are wanting to make a change and everything in you is resisting, when the part of your brain that is designed to protect you from change is doing its job, challenge it and do the opposite of what you would normally do.
I’ve been recognizing the many ways I’ve done that over the past 7 years since the  body “broke” and nothing was the same.

Recognizing the connection with how you do one thing is how you do everything at one or another level.

And recognizing where I shut down. I shut down my heart and in doing so I shut down pleasure. I blamed said shut down on broken body – who will love broken body? The man who left me months before the body caved couldn’t. Not then, not like I thought I needed. Best I protect myself. Best I shut down.

And I did. I isolated and closed off for about 3 1/2 years.

Until I decided that I Am the Who that will love apparently broken body.

I as creator of my reality chose halfway through the seven years  to Love, to fiercely Love apparently broken body, back to wholeness. A wholeness that simply Is when allowed,

And now … now I am recognizing that going after what feels most alive for me in this moment also feels like it could shatter me into a trillion  pieces … and would that really be so bad? To be shattered into a trillion bits of light? Have I not already survived the perception of broken body? What could come of the shattering, I wonder?

Do I really want to guard my heart … do what I’ve always done, or do I want to lay it bare, exposed, and allow the deepest and widest, the wildest of the Love that I am to pour through and go where it will?

Can I allow that?

Or will I give into the misperceived safety net of can “they” be trusted, when the truest question, and the truest answer is can I trust Me to hold me no matter how it shakes out?

 

And so I open myself to feeling You … All of You … And All of Me.

 

But … (and) …. what if in that opening, I feel what you would prefer to keep hidden, even from yourself? What then?

Do I dare allow myself to feel You fully anyway, risk be damned? That is truly the question before me because to feel you fully and be tossed aside for any reason … that is what I fear would shatter me into the trillion pieces of Light ~~~

I remember Abraham’s words — you can’t get it wrong and you never get it done .. Sometimes I chant those words in meditation until the mind is still … until I fall into the space of Inner Knowing.

If I Knew to the core of my Being (and I do in the deep stillness) … that I am held and deeply loved by Source,  that I can’t get it wrong, I never get it done,  what would I do? How would I live this life differently? What risks would I take?  If I truly BELIEVED that its ok to feel good … that in fact, feeling good is the truest indicator of alignment, contrary to what I was enculturated with, I’d stop at nothing to feel clarity, joy, bliss, ecstacy.

I’d stop calling it risk because there is no risk when all is said and done.   Let me FEEL what I came here to feel! Every last bit of it!  Just feel it!

Let me break wide open in the feeling of it, nothing held back.

But … (and) how do I reconcile the deep longing for the illusion of the safety of  being nurtured and cared for by one “other” coupled with the longing to nurture and care for one “other” with the deeper Knowing of that which is only found in the deepest recesses of Me … the Truest place, the First Love?  With the edging awareness of One. All One. All Good. All Source.

Let me break wide open in the feeling of it, nothing held back.

Could/Would I dare invite in mutuality?  If everything is always working out for me (and all me’s) how is it that law of attraction brought us together for this time? Mutuality. Where the benefit of the connection is mutually experienced … through the particular lens of each participant …  a new way of operating in relationship … in real-ationship to everything and every One.

Let me break wide open in the feeling of it, nothing held back.

Easy when there is no exchange of body fluids .. actual or energetic … no matter. A different animal with the exchange … or is it? Does it have to be? Or is that simply the story I tell myself, the story we tell ourself?

Let me break wide open in the feeling of it, nothing held back.

How do I reconcile the remembering in my cells of loving All of You, in All of your forms throughout this time space reality and beyond?

Welcome to my shattering,

Into a trillion bits of Light ~~~

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