Late Thursday morning, I felt squashed in a vice of worry … worry bordering on panic that I might not be able to figure out the coding to make the website I am finishing up look amazing on tiny technology without having to make time consuming changes.
Worry that if I didn’t stop worrying I’d never hear the simple next step bubbling up intuitively.
And then there was the car. There was extreme worry over my car that wouldn’t start Thursday morning. It had made the “trying not to start” sound the day before … the same sound it made last year when the then one year old battery lost its charge, so I had gone to bed concerned.
I had the urge to go down to the parking lot and try to start the car before packing up my laptop and heading to Starbucks for the next couple hours – a change in venue often opens up the channels of creativity for me. I had reached my second plateau of options and needed a fresh look.
I LOVE those intuitive urges.
When I pay attention, they always spare me a level of difficulty. This impulse saved me the cost of a mobile order that the car couldn’t drive me to. It made the temper tantrum that wanted to take over a little weaker.
I was hoping that a battery losing its charge was all it was this time, yet Thursday it was necessary to immerse in mobile responsive coding for the site that is about to go live next week. (that’s the coding that makes things show up nicely on your tablets and phone)
It is one of the most challenging aspects for me and also one of the most rewarding. And it takes immense focus. So I did not have inclination to explore the source of the car’s refusal to start as it felt like if it was more than the battery, worst case scenario would be realized and I would totally lose whatever focus I needed to keep.
That drive to get the website’s mobile coding done was stronger than my need for a working car in that moment.
That drive did not stop the sense of despair, the “what will I do if it’s more than the battery?” thoughts. They felt relentless. It did not stop the inner critic from trouncing me with shame and guilt. All because the car would not start.
I could have called Triple A immediately. I did not have that urge. In fact, it felt essential to tend to finishing up the responsive coding first
The gifts in that inspiration were significant.
I spent Thursday coding and giving love to the inner critic.
Coding and breathing in despair, breathing out love.
Coding and breathing in overwhelm, breathing out love.
Coding. Breathing. Napping.
A significant turning point occurred when I made a clear decision to show up for a group call – the first call for the beta group Web Designer Strategy Academy, a dream child of Krista Smith, one of the co-founders of Web Designer Beauty School. It was really a decision to show up for myself rather than hide in the overwhelm and despair.
I came very close to bailing on that call. All I really wanted to do was shut down in my bed and allow the next wave of coding inspiration to arrive. Instead, the alarm notifying me of the call caught my attention. I listened to the impulse that said “Go on … get out there. Get out of your head and allow yourself to be inspired by the women on the call. No one has to see you. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.”
I am so glad I listened, although those impulses have become hard to ignore. Living outside of my intuition has stopped working well for me. Whatever discomfort I may be feeling is intensified. So listening is a simple choice if I want to feel as good as it is possible for me to feel in each moment. (That isn’t always ecstacy and bliss by the way. Sometimes, like this past Thursday, that is an impossible stretch.)
Krista Smith has a remarkable way of pulling beauty and depth out of the women she coaches. I had no idea. She mirrored to me the things I was having difficulty seeing in myself on that particular day. She did that for three other women as well. I was uplifted and hopeful beyond what felt even possible as I entered the call, by the time it ended.
I got through the day. I got the most difficult pieces of the responsive design almost worked out.
Friday morning I woke up in a new frame of mind.
New day, new vibrational point of attraction. New clarity.
Call Triple A today. Handle the car situation and then address what is left of the website.
The complete opposite of the previous day’s flow.
The gentleman who responded was kind and funny. He showed me on his technology exactly what was going on … it really WAS just a battery that lost its charge. All it took was half an hour of the car sitting in the parking lot, running (with the door locked) to charge it up. I, being more cautious than I needed to be, chose to drive it around for another 30 minutes before pulling into the Trader Joe’s parking lot. As lovely as the man who helped me get the car running was, I had no desire to call him again.
I finished what was left to finish of the website with ease, leaning in to those intuitive urgings.