Self judgment is physically painful. I discovered that in an unavoidable way one night a few weeks back as I almost unconsciously (until it became conscious) slammed myself over and over again with one judgment after another.
It felt so normal, this judgment. Normal. Routine. For a while, the judgement came in
the voice of everyone else. How they would be judging me for being too high, too happy, too whatever.
Too old, not “fit enough” not this, not that, not enough not enough not enough…
Until I woke up to what was going on.
This is not them judging me.
They aren’t even here in this room with me.
Hell they are not even here in this apartment with me, this city with me.
Some of “them” I’ve never even met. What the fuck!!!
It was a steady almost non-stop stream of self flagellation that bubbled up from my unconscious, ready to be felt, understood for what it was.
All the “I can’t do this because “they’ll” judge me” limits. Coming up front and center, one after another.
I was fascinated. Mostly because I can no longer pretend that it is them. I was crystal clear that the beating was coming from the inner critic or whatever part of me is threatened by the shifting I’m doing at a rapid pace. Can’t blame “them” outside me anymore. (Damn! It’s so much easier!)
They’re judging me for feeling good.
No, I’m judging me for feeling good.
And deeper than that, this feel good TERRIFIES me. What is that about? And could I let it go,
that terror? At least this layer of it?
All of that self flagellation feels like physical pain. My head has said that for a long time. Now the body was showing me, in answer to the simple question I asked relative to the sensations showing up in my body.“What have I been thinking today? What am I thinking now?”
Self judgment hurts. And here’s what I found even more interesting: Judging another hurts just as much. Literally. Physically hurts. Judging another in any of the subtle and not so subtle forms is judging me. The knowing of that went from head to heart that evening.
I thought I was going to be playing with self love and sweet pleasure. Instead, all of the ways that I practice self hate paraded across my awareness. No more pretending.
Time instead to release with Love, In Love.