I Wanna Be Adored! (Doesn’t everybody?)

I wanna be adored! Head to toe. Inside and out.  Every delicious morsel of me.  I wanna be adored.

(And if we are honest, don’t we all at some level  want that?)

A couple weeks ago I wrote about feeling the need to jump through the hoops I perceived that my family members have each set for me.

Almost immediately after it was published, here is what I realized.

I am the one who has created  hoops for my family to jump through  to love me,  to be loved by me. I am the one who chose that.

Desperately wanting to be adored, terrified of being pushed out of the circle yet again,

I pushed myself out of grace.

I wanted their love to look a particular way … the way of completely accepting and agreeing with my way of thinking, my  way of being (which requires that they change at a fundamental to them way of being in the world.)

I judged myself and put myself on the outside of their circles. It feels safer not to put  myself in a place where my views, my way of being in the world is judged.  So I told myself.

They hold the “right” position in our family culture.  They are the traditional christian belief holders.  I am not.  So I told myself.

I am the rebel, the black sheep, the one who broke the status quo.  The one who needs saving,changing.  So I told myself, and,

I pushed myself out of grace.

One of the ways that I have pushed myself out of grace is by   avoiding my sister as her family grows  through marriage to include new spouses, new children, new babies. Because as I have watched that it has felt like I have been pushed away.

Flashback to  no room for me now. The perception of  the 4 .5 to 5 year old self.  So I pushed away first. Just like I always have. Acting out of that 4.5 to 5 year old’s pain.  The perception of the 4.5 to 5 year old little one, ruling the choices of the almost 60 year old woman.

In trying to avoid  the place that feels like a big hole in my life, deep unrelenting heart center pain,

I pushed myself out of grace.

It’s a feeling that has been familiar to me all through my  life. No room for me now.  As each of my siblings were born, I felt pushed out of my parents grace, more and more. No longer important.  I was the big girl now.  I had to know how to do it.  I had to be the good example for the little kids. (I wasn’t so much)

The third and fourth kids, my sister and second brother were sick all of the time.  They required most of my mother’s attention to stay alive. My sister had asthma that required her to be constantly monitored in a breathing tent.  My brother had a nasty intractable skin infection that had to be kept open to the air in the days before disposable diapers and automatic washers and dryers.

I do not know how my mother did it. It is beyond my comprehension as an adult woman.  But that does not matter to my four and a half to five year old self. That little girl only saw herself being pushed out of the circle of love.

I was 6 when my youngest brother was born.  The final of  my 4 siblings. My parents were new missionaries in postwar Japan. They were just trying to survive, learn a new language, assimilate into a new culture and raise toddler kids while having babies.

I learned to shut out before I could be shut out one more time.

All I have ever wanted is to be adored by someone. To be the one for someone. To know that I will be the one for someone. Without worrying about being pushed out of the circle of love.

And how is that even possible given what I was believing, expecting and choosing out of those beliefs and expectations?

Ahhhh !!!  Here comes the truth of it.  I am the One for me …

I get to bring the 4.5 to 5 year old little one back into the circle of Love .

In most moments (still), that feels impossible.

 

So my prayer?  My prayer is this …

Divine Beloved, shift me, please, into One who knows the circle of One Love One Heart One Life One Dance with every fiber of my Being …

In deep surrender to the One in whom I live, I move, I have my Being.

Shift me my beautiful Lover to one who willingly, easily bows to the fullness of You in me, who loves all as is Now … Who knows that nothing is amiss.

Let me hear your voice … Let me feel your Presence always, Let me know as I Am known … raw and naked … longing for the felt sense of One.

I invite THAT longing to be filled from the inside out. Let me Know I Am fully ok as I AM with or without the outward expression of raw passionate naked Knowing as I Am Known.

Fill me from the inside out, Divine Beloved.  Let me feel your adoration for me in every moment, in every circumstance.

Let me love as You love.

I am Yours … You are Mine … We are One.

Thank you.

 

Welcome Home, little one !

 

If this touched you in any way, please share by clicking on your favorite social icon(s) to the left, (below on your mobile device) and please leave a comment. Thank you!

 

 

 

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • lori July 6, 2015, 6:22 pm

    Wow, Deborah!! I love that!

    • Deborah Penner July 7, 2015, 12:28 pm

      Thank you Lori!!

  • Isabel July 5, 2015, 9:53 am

    That was just beautiful! THANK YOU for sharing it!

    • Deborah Penner July 5, 2015, 1:31 pm

      Isabel, thank you! Your response warms my heart!

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