This weekend, I get to participate in a sacred Sufi movement workshop. I almost talked myself out of it. I told myself that I didn’t really want to go, didn’t really want to be around all of those people, that I am in an inward, introverted space right now
What if my body cannot hold that much movement?
What if it hurts too much?
What will I wear? What will I take with me to eat?
I’d rather do what I always do Saturday ~ get up and write ~
Really, Deborah? Really? You can do that every single weekend!
I went so far as to write the cancellation email. But I could not push send. Couldn’t.
Instead, I revisited the brochure and realized that I really really want to be there. So instead of the cancellation email, I shot off an email to the coordinator and let her know that I could host one person if there was still a need. Before I could talk myself out of this thing that I really really want to do.
Even if I am able to move only part of the time.
Even if it hurts. I know how to focus pain into pleasure most of the time. This is a contemplative movement retreat … within 15 minutes of my home. How much easier does it get?
I am often daunted by the simple logistics. Like what I will wear and what I will eat. Rather than allowing myself to camp out in daunted, I asked myself this question – a favorite of Krista Smith, one of my web design/branding coaches
How can this be easy?
And in my words, “What needs to happen to create ease for the upcoming retreat?”
Simple answers. Do my laundry, plan my lunch and write my Sunday Rendezvous offering before Saturday. No big deal really. It seems pretty basic. And laundry requires carrying a heavy load down and back up three flights of stairs as well as walking crooked, rolling terrain to and from the laundry room.
For a long time after I “broke” in 2010, that was the thing I did for the day. I was benched afterwards. I had to lay down and take a nap before starting the next thing. The body would not allow otherwise. Hell, for about a year, my now mid eighty year old parents collected my laundry and did it for me. I did not have the reserves to do it. That is love.
As I write this, I realize that I am carrying forward stories and body memories about laundry and planning for weekends “away” that are not longer true. While they may have been true even a year ago, that is simply no longer the case.
The resistance to the simple solution is without basis. So, I’m focusing on the end result. (Thank you Isabel Martins) I’m focusing on arriving at the retreat Friday eveni;` Excited to play with the Divine. And deeply appreciative of the opportunity to connect in movement in a new way.
Let it be easy. Let it be fun.
And in perfectly timed way of following impulses once a thing is turned over to the Divine, I heard back immediately from the coordinator. There was a need for one. The arrangements had fallen through and I was clearly intended to fill that need. My housemate is house sitting this weekend, I have a couch that pulls out into a bed. Nothing in the way of sharing space. No excuses left!
I love the way of the surrendered it.
I love the surrendered way of it. As the time got closer I felt my body resisting walking out the door. What?!? Everything was ready, food, clothing, blankets, yoga mat, and here is resistance. Again!
When does this end? When do I stop fighting with myself?
My body was clear. No. Not this time. I’m not ready.
I paid attention. I paid attention because I made a promise to this body I inhabit awhile back that i would. Not without a bit of angst.
Today, body is happy. Beyond happy. Elated that more and more she can trust me to listen, no matter the message.
Let it be easy. Let it be fun.
A momentum of unresisted allowing.
With the gift of meeting a member of my deeper tribe.
A story for another time. Maybe.
For now I am reveling in the way of It.