A letter to Noelle Marie Amendola (originally intended for her eyes only) in response the this week’s Coffee Time.
Oh my word, Noelle! So much in this week’s Coffee Time resonated with me …
Particularly the one little bud of the Love you have for Vince that (of course) survived the blaze of clearing you’ve been taking yourself through this past year and the past two months in particular. That kind of Love never dies. It can’t.
I have been experiencing a similar thing in my Love for the man who has been in and out of my life for the past 12 years. We reconnected again last March. He came up from LA to see me for almost a week on the 4th of July and we have been cultivating a different, deeper level of connection since.
I had the hardest time when he went back home. Initially my intention in seeing him was to create a different ending to our story. His last words to me as he left were “I love you. Don’t be lonely.” I knew what he meant and it pierced my heart.
I sensed (knew in my Knower) that he was involved with someone there … and I wanted it on the table, something we could be open in our discussion about.
He couldn’t put it on the table other than to acknowledge that “once in awhile” he saw someone there. Basically he gave me one conversation about it. He was not going to put himself through what we used to go through. Neither was I. How I envisioned self care around that looked different from how he envisioned.
My desire to cultivate what we have is stronger than my need to control how that looks.
Ultimately I let it go and have used the situation to practice presence to mySelf and what I’m feeling, to practice love without condition in whatever form it shows itself. as well as letting go in a deep way what is not my business. Who he chooses to be with and how he chooses to be with her when I am not around is not my business. This goes two ways.
What I clearly know is that when we are together, we love in a fierce way and neither one of us is willing to turn off the flow of electricity between us. We experience that apart as well. We are teaching each other much about the energetic nature of sexuality and the fact that we are eternally connected no matter what.
I am learning so very much about the “true” nature of Love … or I could say the nature of True Love and it has so very little to do with anything I’ve believed up to now. There is deep freedom in that.
I don’t always know how to respond to that level of freedom.
What I also know is that he is there for his reasons, having near as I can tell, little to do with anyone there besides perhaps his grandmother who is in a nursing home and keeps almost dying for the past several years and isn’t ready to release her form yet.
He tells me that his plan is to move here whether I’m here or not. I believe he means it. He loved many things about it when he was here – so much so that he strongly influenced one the kids he trained physically to go to U of O, to leave his familiar environment, rather than USC. That “kid” played football with the Ducks and went on to the NFL a couple years ago.
He moved up here for 6 months a few years back. My emotional heart broke when he left … my body in no small way reflected that when it came to a stop – some would say a broken stop – later that summer.
His leaving was a courageous act of deep self care on his part.
I have such respect for the way this man takes care of himself and his feel good place. He guards it with his life … because it is his life. He is one of the truest live and let live humans I know.
I am learning daily to do the same. As you know, it has been my fierce focus over the past couple years. My awareness of my connection with the Power, the force that creates worlds is dependent on this. Not on this man. On the connection with mySelf as an extension of the Source of all Love.
The Love between us is strong and overrides everything because it is the flow of Source between us.
When I let go and let the Love that I AM flow in the moment, the connection between us is gorgeous and sweet in whatever form it takes. When I cling and grasp and try to push the connection into what I think it is “supposed to be” I’ve clamped myself off from mySelf and I am miserably unhappy until I unclamp.
This morning I realized that the groundedness I feel when I connect with him is Really about the groundedness of my connection to Source itSelf, to the whole of me … THAT is freedom and a big part of his gift to me is a feeling frame of reference for what that is.
There will always be room in my life at some level for this One …
I tell him that if I leave this life before he does, I will make my presence known to him in a way (or ways) that he will unmistakably know first that it is me and more importantly, that there is no death.
He is unconvinced.
Thank you Noelle for being out here with me
Thank you All for being out here with me.