I am learning to hold a deepening and more consistent pleasure. More importantly, I am understanding that it is always a choice. I am always at choice.
There is a sense of chaos in coming to that place, perhaps complicated by the fact that pleasure has been neurologically wired to fear in my brain and while I’ve done a ton of work around unconnecting the two, the remnants of that connection are still there.
Rather than fight with the wiring, I flow with it and to talk to myself and gently remind myself I’m okay, I was born to experience this and so much more. Muting it keeps me playing small.
One of the ways that I flow with it now is to deeply ground this energy into my body.
Remembering that it is good, this level of pleasure, allowing myself at the visceral level the feeling that this is good. The practice involves embracing the fear in the midst of the pleasure rather than pushing it away, breathing in the fear, allowing it to be washed with the love that is in every single cell of my body. As often as it takes. This has not been a one and done thing for me.
I’ve been waiting for the “Kundalini experience” that I hear others describe where in one fell swoop pleasure centers are opened with a magical electrical fiery experience all through the energy centers of the body. I have also been intensely afraid of it.
I’m coming to understand that I’ve been waking up all along.
It is not that I have been excluded from a “Kundalini Awakening”. I have simply been having a gradual opening all through my life … All! Through! My! Life!
The awareness penetrated deeply as I was describing to a couple friends the way that I experience grounding pleasure into my pelvic bowl when it feels scattered, or fearful, the way that I experience my own power. One of them looked at me and said there’s a common word for that I can’t quite remember. The other asked if the word was Kundalini?
It was and I was a little surprised. At first I blew it off. Yet as I went about the day after they’d left, recognition settled in. My experience has been slow and gradual. Like all of my openings: slow and gradual all through my life. Always birthing something. Always moving something through, feeling as it moves.
This thing that I’ve been waiting for has been happening all along. I simply was unaware. Until now.
Each significant lover has had a part in this. I have felt for a while that this lifetime is one of converging lifestreams, that the loves I have experienced throughout the ages are woven into my experience in this one lifetime. They have showed up powerfully, each at various stages of my life. Some have remained in my life. Most have eventually spiraled out.
Each time I encounter a new love that feels old, I am surprised and not at all surprised.
I have learned to simply flow with it, to let each experience, each encounter be what it is without attachment to whether or not it stays or looks any particular way. This feels key. As long as I stay chill and unattached to how any of it plays out I’m free to express as much love as I feel in every given moment.
And the thing I am in this moment most aware of is this: make no sweeping generalizations about how it should be for anybody else, including my lovers.
Just a thing that works for me. Just as I am the creator of my own reality so are you, so are they. When we converge it is sweet beautiful sometimes excruciatingly chaotic and all good. Always all good.
I stand at my spot at my front window when it feels like those powerful energies are scattered all over, when it feels like I have made another responsible for my pleasure and I remember. I re-member. I remember that my expression of pleasure is not dependent on anything other than my own allowing of it. My creative power is not dependent on anything other than my allowing of it, my aligning with it. My relationship to and with the Divine is unique to me, not defined by any other.
Freedom. A taste of pure freedom.